Substitute Lover

One wriggle and her ten-thousand dollar DDD-cup boobs would be the talk of the town. But he kept holding her dress up, damn him!

No Shadow of Doubt

"Legbone's connected to the...uhh...?"

A Daring Proposition

She thought: Oh, what a gentleman.

He thought: If I don't get this chair off my foot I'm going to scream like a girl

Instant Mother

'...and I have an adorable daughter,' he said, smiling proudly.

She grinned down at the child and said in an almost sincere voice, 'Oh, how lovely.'

Not! She wanted a shag, not a bloody child to look-after! He hadn't mentioned this sprog in the online dating profile she'd read, goddamn it!

Was it worth the hassle: Seven inches and a seven-year-old?

The Panther and The Pearl

With the new Panther dildo, with its rotating pearl attachment, you can do-away with all the messy relationship irritations, wet-spots and other unpleasantness which dog most couplings.

And for her...

Billionaire's Baby chase

'And what would you like when you grow up, little girl,' he asked pleasantly.
'Money,' she replied in a child-like sing-song voice. 'Lots and lots of it.'

A Secret Rebellion

Sandy sat on her namesake in the arms of a dark haired, vaguely muscular Italian who had swept her off her feet during the visit to the Genoa International Teachers Convention.

He leaned forwards and whispered seductively:
'I justa wanta say,' said Luigi. 'That I wanta--'

'Call yourself an English teacher,' she replied. 'It's I Just Want To Say...'

Simply Irresistible

He leaned forward to kiss her, but just at the point of contact, she smelled something unusual.

Pulling away, she sniffed again. Yes, there it was.

'Have you been practicing on the dog again?'

The Border Lord

'You know I can see right up your nose.'

or

'I'm not at all turned off by your glass eye.'
'Ball,' he murmured.
'Oh, when you put it like that...'

or

'Now, while you're away conquering foreign lands,' she added, ' I want you to dress warmly and wear clear underwear.'

or

'One last kiss before they come for me,' she said, blinking away the tears.

He leaned forwards to fulfill her last desire, but she yanked his sword from his scabbard and spelled her initials out on his chest.

'That'll teach you...' she said, putting the final flourish into the letter 'L', ' to mess with Lusty Louisa of Londinium.

'Point taken,' he gasped, stating the bleedingly obvious and fell to his knees.

The baby came COD

'Good evening,' said the slightly peevish gent at the door. 'I am a respresentative of--'
'I'm right in the middle of dinner,' said Mark quickly.
'It's three pm,' said the courier, glancing momentarily at his watch. He didn't have time for this mollarkey, and said so.
'Is this about the rent,' asked Mark unsurely.
'No.'
'Not enrolled to vote,' hazarded Mark, then lied through his teeth, 'I've only just moved in and what with this and that--'
'Nope,' said the man. 'Look mate, I'm on a clock. In short, it's about a particular commitment you made--'
'I paid Murray back for those drugs,' exclaimed Mark. 'I swear! I even gave him interest!'
'You what?'
'Ah,' said Mark, backpedalling like a BMX rider about to hit a solid object. 'Never mind.'
'I won't,' said the man dubiously. 'Look, just sign on the dotted line, okay.'
'But...'
'Look, you either sign and take official ownership or I leave the package here anyway--'
'Oh!' exclaimed Mark, now excited. 'Must be the eBay purchase I made--'
'What's that dear,' called Patrice from the top of the stairs.
'Shit,' whispered Mark. 'Here.'
He grabbed the pen and scrawled his name on the board, noticing only once he'd finished the name of the courier company:

Storks Incorporated
Sprog delivery for the VERY busy
Day, night, anytime.

'So,' murmured Mark. 'Not seven issues of Bums and Tits?'
'Plenty of bums,' said the man, handing Mark the package. 'And tits too if you like that sort of thing.'
A tiny hand emerged from the brown paper and there came a terrifying wail.
'Oh shit,' said Mark with feeling.
'You have no idea,' said the courier with a grin.