January 19, 2003

Did you over-indulge over the holiday season? Are you tired of struggling to fit into those jeans?

If so, the Limpbunny Exercise Program is for you. It only takes four hours a day for ten days, and you're guaranteed to drop at least two dress/pant sizes. Even if you've never exercised before, you'll see results after the first few days. Continue the program for the full 10 days and you'll be ready to enlist in the Marine Corps.

The instructions couldn't be simpler. With the exception of "The Crucifix", just perform each exercise 1,000 times. The repetitions needn't be contiguous; you can do 500 in the morning and 500 at night.

 

Exercise 1 - Uncomfortable Squats

Stand with your legs hip width apart, arms at your side. Now squat down low, as if you're having a bowel motion and hold that position for 5 minutes. Take care to keep your knees over your feet; we wouldn't want to rupture those kneecaps!

 

Exercise 2 - Riding the Elephant

Lie on your back on the floor, legs straight, arms at your side. Slowly bring your legs up, keeping the knees bent. When your thighs are parallel to the floor, open your legs as wide as they will go, as if you are straddling an elephant. Keeping your legs where they are, roll from side to side for 2 minutes, making trumpeting noises through your nose.

Exercise 3 - The Crucifix

If there's one thing we can be sure of, it's that the Son of God didn't have flabby upper arms!

Stand up straight, feet together and arms at your side. Breathing in, raise your arms until they are at shoulder height, palms facing forwards. Tilt your head to either the left or right side, grimace, and hold the pose for two hours. (Note that this exercise is even more effective if done wearing a loin cloth).

 

Exercise 4 - Kylie's Butt Buster

You'll need a step or a box for this one, as well as a lycra g-string (preferably one that's two sizes too small). Put on the g-string, stand in front of the step and, raising your left leg, step up onto it. Now this is where the g-string comes in. To avoid a nasty wedgie, be sure to clench your bum-cheeks while stepping and maintain the clench until you step down. Repeat with the other leg.

 

Exercise 5 - Pointless Jumping

Make sure you have a lot of room for this one. Come to your hands and knees on the floor. Now, jump forward, making sure that your hands and legs leave the ground simultaneously. Imagine that you're one of those really annoying hoppy spiders. Jump back, then to the left, then to right. That completes one repetition.

 

Exercise 6 - The Labrador

Lie on your back with your knees bent. Slowly bring your knees up towards your shoulders, at the same time raising your head. The aim is to get your head as close to your crotch as possible. You can wrap your arms around your legs and use them for leverage, if it helps. Hold the pose for 2 minutes (or 5 minutes if your underwear is clean).

 

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