January 19, 2003

What is it about the arrival of a new year that compels normally rational people to make resolutions they know they won't keep? Is this lapse in sanity caused by the gravitational pull of the moon? Or is our brain-wave activity disrupted by the high-pitched squeals of mating whales?

Whatever the cause, chances are you've been affected by the Resolution Blues and are wracking your brain trying to think of ways to make 2003 better than the poor excuse of a year you just had.

Of course, there's nothing worse than coming to the end of a year, only to realise that you didn't stick to any of your resolutions (unless your resolutions including autonomous functions such as breathing, blinking and burping).

To help you avoid the guilt and anguish associated with such a failing, Limpbunny has put together a list of resolutions guaranteed to see you smiling come 2004. After all, New Years Eve can be bad enough, what with all that drinking, and the fact that your ugliest relatives will come out of the woodwork to slobber all over you.

I resolve to wash my clothes when the need arises.

If this ever appears too difficult, just remember that only you can decide when the need has truly arisen. So you haven't washed those underpants in a week? Well, unless you're planning to walk around in public in your underwear, who really cares? Sure, your pants might get stuck to your crotch, but it's nothing a good coat of paint stripper can't fix.

I resolve never to eat nails or shards of broken glass.

Unless you work in a circus as a Regurgitator or go to college, this one's a real no-brainer. If you're a college student, simply tape up your mouth before going to any parties.

I resolve to be healthier than I am right now.

Just be sure to make this resolution at around 4am on New Years Eve, after you've consumed your own weight in alcohol. If you want to err on the side of caution, eat a bit of rancid chicken as well, or smoke several dozen cheap cigars.

I resolve to be a better person.

Oh, come on! There's no doubt that you'll be a better person in a year's time! An extra year's worth of practice means you'll be better at opening that can of beer, better at giving other motorists the finger, and better at cheating on your tax return.

 

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