February 12, 2003

With the threat of war growing each day, governments around the world are urging their citizens to ready themselves for the worst. The Australian government is no exception, having advised each household to prepare an Emergency Survival Kit.

Needless to say, Aussies everywhere have breathed a collective sigh of relief, content in the knowledge that their Prime Minister has equipped them with the means with which to survive the oncoming conflict. Here’s a brief rundown of the equipment no family should be without:

Emergency Survival Kit Checklist

• Battery-operated radio (with spare batteries)
  Make sure the radio picks up FM, otherwise you’ll have to listen to crappy monophonic AM all the time - or at least until the radio stations are either evacuated or destroyed. If this happens, don’t despair. You can put the batteries in your torch.
• Torch (with spare batteries), candles and waterproof matches
  Vital if the power goes off and you want to find the rest of your survival kit. A torch is also invaluable when looting the neighborhood shops ,and the candles can be used to invoke the Greater Demon Hexubuttock.
• Strong shoes, leather gloves, hat, goggles and overalls
  Guaranteed to make you look like a Grade A Twat. Will offer you total protection if the enemy sprays attacks with water pistols; a nuclear blast might get past the goggles, however.
• First aid kit and manual, and combination pocket knife
  Dettol, band aids and aspirin will be of great comfort in the event of a biological attack. Make sure the pocketknife is a combination knife, motor car, fully-equipped hospital and rocket launcher.
• Medications, toiletry and sanitary supplies (optional) and a change of clothes
  No-one wants to look shabby after a missile attack and there’s never an excuse for bad body odour. Note that the Australian Government classifies sanitary pads as luxury items, so these are therefore optional.
• Special needs for infants, the aged and people with disabilities
  Keep in mind that these will be the first to go, so only cater for them if time and money allows.
• Water in sealed containers - ten litres per person (for three days)
  With the current cost of water in Australia, this should only set you back $635.00. If you want to cut costs, try recycling your urine after the third day. With a flavor similar to low-fat soy milk, it goes great in cereals and coffee.
• Three days supply of canned food (plus can opener and utensils)
  Remember there’s no need to cater for more than three days. By Day Four, the biological agents you’ve been exposed to will start to take effect and your gastro-intestinal tract will be a useless mass of bloody tissue.
• Pet food, water and other animal needs
  If you DO make it past Day Three, consider eating the family dog. He’s had three days of fattening up, his fur will make a great blanket and let’s face it - if you don’t eat him, the neighbors sure will.
• Portable stove with fuel
  Good for tanning the hide of the family dog, but not much else. Given that everyone you know will either be dead or dying, having a BBQ would be in extremely poor taste.
• Tent or tarpaulin, and blankets (woolen and thermal)
  Make sure the tent is missile proof and can withstand the gale-force winds resulting from a nuclear explosion. Oh, and you might want to get one that’s waterproof, too, because tsunamis are another consequence of atomic blasts.
• Money, including change for phone calls
  Just for laughs, really. When you’re huddled in your cave, you can look at the funny paper and be content in the knowledge that Bill Gates is worth as much as you now.
• Strong plastic bags (for clothing, valuables, documents, and photographs)
  Because you’ll be doing a lot of looting!

In addition to the items suggested by the Australian Government, you might want to consider the following as well:

• Playstation 2, two controllers and at least a dozen games
  If you’re going to be sitting inside for several days you may as well make sure you’ve got something to do. Invite the friends round, crack open a can of beans, snuggle up in what’s left of Shep and have yourself a Tekken party!
• Wide-screen television, DVD player, surround-sound system
  What better time to catch up on all those movies you’ve been wanting to see? Now you can finally watch the entire extended version of “Fellowship of the Ring” without interruption, as well as the cast commentary, director’s commentary, Gollum’s commentary and commentary by the guy who’s never seen the film but was hanging around the studio at the time.
• Uninterruptible power-supply
  Goes without saying really. PS2’s and wide-screen televisions just aren’t up to scratch without electricity.
• Two months supply of chocolate (double that amount if Easter is near)
  Science has proven that chocolate is the ultimate in nutrition. Not only will a single Mars bar sustain you in arctic conditions for several days, chocolate is a wonderful mood enhancer. Eat it when your house is destroyed and you’ll still see the funny side (i.e. the place had rising damp, anyway).
• Twelve months supply of alcohol
  A good contingency for when the chocolate and water run out. You can even bathe in the stuff and drink it later (if you’re a beer drinker, you won’t even notice the difference).
• Secret underground bunker
  No family should be without one. Convert that swimming pool, cellar or shoot the people next door and use theirs.

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