February 2, 2003

For those of you unfamiliar with the term, zaftig is a Yiddish word meaning ripe or luscious, and is commonly used to describe a curvaceous woman. Like so many women, I’ve spent a good portion of my life wishing I was thin, rather than zaftig. Not the starving-child-in-Africa-type thin, just the anorexic, cat-walk model thin.

And, like so many women, I’ve dieted, exercised, contracted rare wasting diseases and removed superfluous parts of my anatomy in an attempt to reach that goal. Several years and quite a few organs later, I’m still no closer to that goal. I am - and always will be, it seems - a woman of substance.

Now this, I’ve decided is actually no bad thing. I mean, throughout the ages, men have always preferred their women to be curvaceous (a much nicer term than fat, chubby or the insultingly tepid ‘healthy’). The current ‘thin-is-beautiful’ trend is just that; a trend promoted by male fashion designers who really want to see their hipless boyfriends strutting about in their creations.

So, rather than deprive myself of fine food or waste endless hours running on a treadmill like a hamster, I’ve decided to embrace my zaftig-ness. Of course, this kind of decision is always made easier if you’re surrounded by comrades-in-arms, so I’m putting out a call to like-minded women. Throw away that gym membership, enjoy that chocolate squishy and revel in your jiggliness! There’s a multitude of benefits to being curvaceous:

Large breasts

OK. There’s really no point in defending these, is there? They’re functional (breastfeeding), practical (they keep the chest warm) and a great safety feature (better than airbags, in some cases). You can wear them high or low, pointy or round; they’re the ultimate fashion accessory. And if you’re ever caught in a dark alley with no other weapons to hand, you can either stun your attacker into submission by flashing him, or smother him to death.

Wide hips

Everyone says these suckers are great for child-bearing and you’d better believe it! Try shoving a watermelon where the sun don’t shine and you’ll see what I mean. With wide hips you’ll be able to pop out babies like a human Pez-dispenser. Hell, you won’t even feel the darn things coming!

Ample Bumcheeks

Another great addition to the zaftig woman’s arsenal (if you’ll pardon the pun). With these babies you can knock would-be assailants off their feet, wobble up a storm on the dance floor and make awesome snow-angels. Not to mention the fact that they give your partner something substantial to hold on to when you’re doing the wild thing.

A Rounded Belly

Any belly dancer will attest to the merits of the rounded belly. Without a reasonable amount of padding, jewels just won’t stay in the naval and you won’t be able to work up enough momentum to jingle those bells. People may rant and rave about the six-pack, but wouldn't you rather see that kind of construction on Brad Pitt than on Jennifer Aniston?

Chunky Thighs

The bane of many a woman, chunky thighs have a lot more going for them than you may realize. First and foremost, the thighs are a powerhouse of energy. With chunky thighs, you’ll still be running the marathon while all those bony chickens collapse in a heap behind you. Secondly, substantial thighs allow you to balance a laptop computer, cappuccino and small television on your lap. Pretty damn convenient, eh? And lastly, chunky thighs make great percussive instruments. Pop on some lederhosen, knee-high socks and slap away. They’ll hear you all the way in Bavaria!

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