May 19, 2003
War correspondent Geraldo Rivera is once again making headlines, only this time it's for revealing the location of Zion to agents working within the Matrix.

Soon after Geraldo's broadcast, the crew of the Osiris reported that an army of machines were preparing to attack the underground city. Further attempts to contact the Osiris were unsuccessful and the craft is assumed to be lost in action.

"If it was up to me, I'd jack Geraldo back into the Matrix and re-program him as a lemming," Neo (aka, "The One") was overheard to say. "Then I'd give him a nice, high wall to climb and SPLAT! Problem solved."

The Oracle, when asked to comment, was characteristically tight-lipped, saying simply "I told you so."

May 11, 2003
With the resurgence of interest in comic book heroes, it's no wonder that people are asking when we'll see Superman back on the big screen.

Well, it looks like Warner Brothers is set to make a series of Superman movies, possibly directed by Jonathon Frakes of Star Trek fame. And with Justin Timberlake tipped to star as Jimmy Olson, who will play the Man of Steel?

"The obvious choice is David Copperfield," a studio exec remarked, "because the guy can already fly.

"Another hot contender is Chow Yun Fat. Did you see him in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? If he can look that convincing in a pair of pyjamas, imagine what he'll do with blue lycra!"

 

April 13, 2003
Hollywood is all abuzz this week with the exciting news that those lovebirds, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, are planning a remake of the cinematic classic, Ben Hur.

"Of course, Affleck will be reprising the lead role," sources announced, "while Ms Lopez will be making a surprise departure from her usual characters by playing the chariot.

"We're hoping that the chemistry between Ben and Jennifer will give the chariot race a whole new dynamic."

April 6, 2003
In a surprise move earlier this week, war correspondent Geraldo Rivera was expelled from Middle Earth for giving away troop movements to enemy forces.

"Mr Rivera revealed key information about a weak point in the defenses at Helm's Deep," stated Aragorn of Arathorn. "This information prompted members of Saruman's army to stage a suicide bombing attack that breached the outer wall and resulted in many casualties."

Others were more outspoken. "He's a bloody dolt!" spat Gimli, son of Gloin. "You'd think a man with that much facial hair would have more sense!"

"He's a menace," agreed Gandalf the Recently-Grey. "Why worry about balrogs and uruk-hai when you've got someone like Geraldo roaming the countryside?"

March 30, 2003
Actor Ben Affleck was dining at posh Hollywood restaurant, The Ivy, when disaster struck. During a visit to the bathroom, Affleck reportedly sneezed, his brain shot out , landed in the sink and slid down the drain.

According to eyewitnesses, Affleck screamed “Oh my god! Somebody help me – this is an emergency!” Within seconds, workers arrived to open the drainpipes and retrieve the soggy brain. Affleck was so grateful, he gave autographed photos of himself to all the staff.

Funnily enough, a week earlier, Affleck’s fiancée—Jennifer Lopez—lost her $1.5 million engagement ring the same way. After hearing of her fiancée’s mishap, J Lo was heard to say “Given it’s size, we were bound to lose his [Affleck’s] brain eventually. But my ring! It’s a 6-carat pink diamond and irreplaceable!”

March 23, 2003
If there’s one thing Aussie band The Vines is famous for, it’s the over-top-antics of the band’s front man, Craig Nicholls.

Craig attributes his frenetic flaying to the demon Asturza, who possesses him during each performance.

In exchange for the raw energy provided by the demon, Nicholls must consume large quantities of pineapple-iced donuts and red cordial.

 

 

March 16, 2003
By now you’ve probably heard about Grease 3, the movie that will reunite John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John and feature Kylie Minogue as their daughter.

What you may not have heard is that Hayden Christensen will be taking on the role as Kylie’s love-struck beau. Most people will remember Hayden as the young Darth Vader in Attack of the Clones. In Grease 3, however, we’ll see a very different side to the actor.

“He sings, he dances, he wears ridiculously tight pants,” one writer gushed. “It’s like watching a very young Peter Allen.”

March 9, 2003
Despite rumours to the contrary, it looks like the role of Harry Potter’s Professor Albus Dumbledore will be going to Aussie actor, Russell Crowe.

"Expect to see a more proactive, in-your-face, Dumbledore,” a spokesman for the Harry Potter films remarked. “Richard Harris and Russell were great mates, and Russell’s been itching to get into a role that involves loads of facial hair.”

 

 

 

March 6, 2003
Latin heartthrob Enrique Iglesias might be teaming up with former *NSYNC member, Justin Timberlake, to provide the US military with a sonic weapon of unparalleled power.

A spokesman for the Bush administration explained: “By harnessing the high registers of these two singers, we’ll be able to totally incapacitate any ground troops Saddam sends against us. And if that fails, Enrique can pelt them with his moles.”

 

February 23, 2003
Nicole Kidman is currently wowing the critics with her portrayal of feminist author, Virginia Woolf, in the film The Hours.

For the role, Kidman was required to wear a prosthetic nose, but it’s a little known fact that she also had to take three inches off her height.

“Nicole is very tall,” an insider remarked, “so she spent the six months leading up to the film in a device designed to compress her vertebrae. People go on about Rene Zellwegger putting on weight for Bridget Jones Diary, but to take several inches off your height – that’s real dedication for you.”

 

February 17, 2003
It comes as no surprise, but it looks like Daniel Radcliff, aka Harry Potter, won’t be coming back for the fourth instalment in this highly successful series. The actor cited his age (he recently celebrated his 37th birthday) as the main reason for this decision.

So who will be the next Harry Potter? If current rumors are true, don’t be surprised if Harry’s glasses get passed on to the diminutive Elijah Wood, who’s currently enjoying success as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. Although Wood hasn’t issued a statement as yet, he was recently seen fingering a Nimbus 2000 in a NYC toy store …

February 12, 2003
Get ready for the latest taste in soda: Cola with a Twist of Hummus.

With the recent release of several ‘anti-American’ colas, the Pepsi company has decided to target consumers of Middle Eastern descent. It’s believed that Shakira will spearhead the advertising campaign in a commercial that shows her wearing little more than a pair of hot falafels.

February 9, 2003
Ever wonder why Michael Jackson has been looking so strange of late? Well, it appears that he's actually been dead these past twenty years. Michael apparently died of a groinal strain while filming the video for his hit single, Thriller.

Sources close to Jackson admit that the singer's death was an inconvenience, but they managed to tie it in with the zombie theme of the clip. As to Jackson's later appearances, aside from a pallid complexion and the occasional loose facial feature, no-one's ever noticed the difference.

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